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I just finished reading a very interesting article pertaining to the art of receiving. It cleared up a lot of things I’d been feeling about giving/receiving, but have been unable to articulate in a coherent fashion. Interestingly (but no longer surprising), the article was given to me just as I was open, willing, and able to receive it. I’ve been diligently working on giving and receiving internally for several years, but during the past couple of weeks, the subject matter has been bumped up a few notches, and I’ve been experiencing fear and frustration regarding both.
In particular, I’ve been experiencing the frustration and fear of not being able to give as much as I would like. This causes me to feel a certain lack in my life that I’ve been working so hard to rid myself of, and leads me to a form of despair. Will I ever be free of the bindings of balancing income and expenses? Does such a thing even exist? I imagine even the independently wealthy would still have to maintain some type of balance in their lives or they wouldn’t stay wealthy very long. So what exactly is it that I am craving? How do I let go and trust the Universe to provide for me? Even as I’m contemplating this subject, I think I must be out of my mind for I’m actually provided for quite well. Trust the Universe? I already have all the fundamental basics for survival (food, shelter, clothing) and beyond. My family and I are able to take nice vacations, and my daughter goes to camp every summer, takes piano and guitar lessons, and participates in the high school swimming program as well as club swimming throughout the year. We lead a very full and abundant life. We’re able to give to community and causes that we believe in also. But do we give enough? When is enough really enough?
These days, however, we’re unable to save as much as we’d like, which gives me a feeling of vulnerability. Does it make me selfish to desire more than the simple basics from life? Do I really deserve it? There are so many people with so much less than I have. What makes me think I’m deserving of more than the bare essentials of life? Does my having more take away from anyone else? Does it even have anything to do with anyone else? Isn’t this just between the Universe and me? If I truly believe having more makes me selfish, do I therefore believe rich people are selfish?
In my heart of hearts, I don’t believe rich people are selfish. Some, in fact, are very generous. Money and generosity don’t necessarily have anything to do with each other. How do I reconcile this belief to thinking I may be undeserving or selfish to have more? To confound matters even further, I’ve been a stay-at-home Mother for the past 14 years living in a society that values productivity. The subtleties that parents provide for their home and children aren’t as highly valued as someone who pounds the pavement daily and exchanges tangible goods and/or services for an income. Even though I haven’t brought home an income for several
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years, I believe whole-heartedly that I’ve made considerable contributions to society. Although it is subtle, my role as a mother has been far more beneficial than if I’d had a 9 to 5 job. It has launched me on an introspective mission to clean up my own act. My contributions have been in the way of clearing the ethers of anger, fear, and anxiety. I’ve also given my best raising my daughter to be an independent thinker with healthy self-esteem, so she can be who she was meant to be without being clouded over with issues. These are huge contributions that although are immeasurable, are nonetheless important. Once I see my self, not in terms of societal definitions of dollar productivity, but in the more subtle Universal definitions of soul productivity, I can see I’ve given and continue to give tremendously. I can begin to give myself a much-deserved break.
I may have many blocks when it comes to financial success that I am currently dismantling. Sometimes, the task seems monumental, but I know all that is needed from me is simply to relax, find my natural rhythm and passion while releasing all thoughts of whether I am deserving or not. As I do this, I will continue to become more of a vessel through which the Universe could travel, using giving and receiving as it’s tool and my abundance issue will take care of itself.
Vanessa Ebling is a wife, mother, homemaker and writer on a spiritual path. She makes her home in Ann Arbor.
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