Here's a quick tip to help you avert a power struggle with your child.  (Come to think of it, this tip works with adults, too!)

Don't tell them whatthey needto do! Tell them whatyou wantthem to do.  It sounds subtle, but it's very significant.  Let's listen in on a conversation.

MOM:  Son, you need to clean your room.

SON:  No I don't. It looks fine.

And the battle begins.  What red-blooded kid could accept you telling him what he needs without protest?  Especially if he happens to be at the age when his developmental task is to strengthen his autonomy?

One of the greatest joys and privileges of being human is the ability to decide for ourselves who we are and what we think.  This power struggle has nothing to do with his room.  It's about the territory of your child's mind and thoughts and opinions.  Not a winning battleground for parents, believe me!  Your child will defend his right to mental liberty to the bitter end.  (And so would you, right?  When you think of it that way, aren't you just a little bit proud of him?)

Here's an elegant alternative:

MOM:  Son, before you go to bed tonight, I want the clothes on the floor in your room to be put into the laundry basket, and your dirty dishes loaded into the dishwasher.

SON:  Awww geez, Mom, you're so picky.  Okay ... okay ... okay.

You can never win an argument about someone else's need.  Speak only about your own needs and wants, and you can't ever be wrong.  Your child may not like your opinion -  he may even think you are irritating and annoying - but he won't be compelled to go to battle with you over his right to disagree.  He's free to think you are some kind of neat freak the whole time he's picking up his clothes.

This example is oversimplified to illustrate this point, of course.  He may not immediately comply with your wishes and clean up his room.  But at least this tip minimizes the battle territory.  More likely than not, he'll present significantly less passionate resistance while defending his messy room than he would while defending his autonomy.  You'll have a much easier time negotiating a win-win settlement.

For over 20 years, Karen Alonge's intuitive insight has been the catalyst for rapid and profound transformation in growth-oriented individuals and families.  Telephone and email consultations make her accessible to clients all over the world.  She also posts free parenting advice on her blog:  www.advice-for-parents.com.  For more information about consultations, please visit www.karenalonge.com