Your Truest Self: Embracing the Woman You Are Meant to Be

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had a love affair with “holy women.” I have put them on pedestals and adored them. I have admired them from afar and, at times, even sat at their feet.

As a young girl, I lived down the street from a Dominican convent and was a voyeur of the black and white–garbed nuns who tended the gardens and grounds. I wondered what went on behind those mysterious, private walls to make them seem, as they did to me, aglow with godliness. As an anthropology student in college, I was drawn to study indigenous medicine women, midwives, and healers - all of whom surely endured long hours of training, self-sacrifice, and service to be designated by their people as “holy.” In recent years, my imagination has been captured by mystics, saints, and sages, women who prayed without ceasing and communed with angels.

I came to understand, in fact, that I longed to be a holy woman. I ached for the inner peace I saw reflected on their faces, because most days I could not access a glimmer of my own. I coveted the confidence reflected in their bearing and the courage with which they walked through life, for I seemed to stumble again and again when my life’s path became rocky. I ached for a faith like theirs that was unshakable, for I was often filled with self-doubt, uncertain what I believed about any number of things, including God. But what I really hungered for, more than any of the qualities these esteemed women represented, was a spiritual life that was real and authentic, one that would nourish and sustain me every day of my life.

My stomach lurched in response to those words. How could she have known my innermost desire - to be a holy woman? I had never spoken of this to her, or to anyone for that matter, so her words shook me to the core. I thought, certainly she must be mistaken. Because my lack of confidence was so profound, I could not absorb her words. Instead, I continued to count the hundreds of ways that I was not fit to walk in the shoes of those honorable women I idealized.

Yet I also knew that Judy was no fool. She was one of the holiest women I had ever met. She was connected to her spirit and to God. Her outer life mirrored her inner life. She lived her spirituality thoroughly. In every conversation or situation that arose, you could feel her spiritual integrity. Judy lived her spiritual truths.

My thoughts swirled riotously, trying to wrap themselves around the idea that someone else actually perceived me to be holy. Had I done something special? Arrived at some level of accomplishment to be recognized as such? When did this occur, and why didn’t I feel it happening? The questions spun in succession, and tears of frustration rolled down my cheeks as I continued to stare at Judy’s words: “You are a holy woman.”

Within moments, through what I can only describe as an act of grace, a sense of calm washed over me. The warm, syrupy feeling, the loving energy that I have come to know today as Mother Mary, enfolded me in invisible arms. I could feel and hear her in the recesses of my heart, that

I pondered: What does it mean to be a holy woman, and how do you become one? Was there a path to follow to become more peaceful, confident, and faithful? I sincerely hoped there was, because I was determined to find it.

For more than three decades, I followed a Spirit trail. I tracked the footsteps of dozens of women of diverse spiritualities whom the Divine seemed to bring into my life at exactly the right time: perhaps through a chance meeting or a professional one, through their writings or creative expressions, or by attending one of their workshops. The trail took me from Protestant Christianity in my twenties; through forays into Buddhism and yoga in my thirties; through the goddess movement, Sufism, and Native American spirituality in my forties. I made pilgrimages to

deep, knowing place where truth inevitably triumphs over falsehood. Her voice - or was it my own inner voice? - assured me that what Judy said was true. I am a holy woman. And so is every other woman who walks this earth.

Words and images flooded in to show me how I had been holding on to a faulty notion of personal holiness. I realized I had spent my entire life searching outside myself for a divine connection, one that would be accepted and recognized by others. In those life-changing moments, I was given a glimpse into my true identity and into the true identity of all women. We really are holy, not because of anything we have done or can ever do, but by the simple nature of our birth. We are holy women because we come from the Divine. We are made of spirit, we have a soul,

sacred sites, walked labyrinths, chanted at temples, meditated at ashrams, and danced on moonlit beaches with circles of women. It was a spiritual sampling of grand proportions, and because I was so hungry for a soul-satisfying taste of Spirit, I gobbled up whatever came my way.

Despite all my searching during those wondrous wandering years, this journey did not reveal a spirituality that fit me like a glove, despite what I had hoped. I did realize that by walking it I had become, over time, more peace-filled, because I’d learned the value of silence, the power of meditation; more courageous, because I’d ventured outside of my comfort zone to explore new spiritual horizons; more compassionate, because in my travels, I had seen compassion modeled for me by hundreds of people from all walks of life who were generous and openhearted.

Even though I’d experienced “spiritual” growth in myself, I still did not feel spiritual enough. Granted, I’d learned spiritual truths along the way, but I was certain I fell short when it came to applying them. I continued to stumble and fall when life presented challenges, or I closed my heart to others when I experienced hurt or fear. On the spiritual path, I felt more off the track than on. I still longed to be a holy woman, but no matter how far I searched, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to make that happen. It appeared I was destined to be an ordinary woman living an ordinary life.

I remember the day when my thinking changed. I had just completed a two-year training program to become a spiritual director, a certified spiritual counselor who guides and supports others on their personal journeys. (In hindsight, I realize even this may have been one more attempt on my part to feel holy or be more spiritual.) My teacher, Judy Hahn, a former Dominican sister, wrote me an e-mail, thanking me for a small gift I had given her. The words in her correspondence leapt off the page at me, surprising me with their pronouncement. “You are a holy woman,” she wrote, “and I am honored to have walked with you.”

and in that we are holy fromthe moment we are born. Holy is what we are in our natural state. Despite all our human frailties, our weaknesses, and our faults, we are holy women. We have been all along. We just don’t believe it.

On that fateful day when I accepted the truth of Judy’s e-mail, I began to reclaim myself as holy - to live as my truest self. A passion began to simmer in me to access the Sacred One within, to live in a bold, new way, and to help others do the same. I vowed to overcome the voices of self-doubt that had plagued me most of my life, which said I must be or do something special to be considered sacred.

As I looked about me, I began to see more and more women like myself struggling with these very same issues - issues of worth, identity, and personal acceptance. My hope in putting these words on paper is that you will join me on this journey to reclaim yourself as holy and live as your truest self. In fact, it is your birthright and destiny to do so. To once and for all relinquish any fear or insecurity that could prevent you from experiencing personal freedom - spiritual freedom - to live as the woman you are meant to be.

Excerpted with permission from the book Your Truest Self: Embracing the Woman You Are Meant to Be. Copyright © 2008 by Janice Lynne Lundy. Reprinted with permission of Sorin Books, Notre Dame, IN. www.avemariapress.com

Janice Lynne Lundy is an author, inspirational speaker, and Interfaith Spiritual Director. Your Truest Self is her newest book, available October 1 in bookstores nationwide. www.awakenedliving.com; jan@awakenedliving.com (See the Calendar of Events for book signing dates and locations.)