Energy

Have you ever just known that you needed to fall apart?  Those times when it feels so difficult to get out of bed in the morning or find any joy working on the projects you love.  Recently, I was feeling this way and doing everything in my power not to fall apart.  It was tempting to ignore the heaviness that was building inside of me rather than to own it.  At those moments, I can tell myself that everything is okay and that I’ll just snap out of it.  I can tell myself that I need to be strong, because good leaders are always strong and never break down - they certainly never cry in frustration, or show any weakness or vulnerability.  Right?

The irony is that my refusal to break down is what was breaking me apart.  I was so afraid to feel all the emotions I felt, and to express them honestly with my friends and co-workers, that I found myself drifting away.  I showed up to meetings and said the right things, I believed what I was saying but couldn’t feel it.  I put on a happy face and spoke encouraging words, but I couldn’t feel my true self - and neither could they.

It’s interesting that growing up so many of us learned that being strong means being impenetrable, immovable, and inflexible.  And yet, if we look around the world we can see that everything immovable and inflexible eventually breaks.  This reminds me of a part of the Buddha’s story that has always touched me. 

The Buddha was determined to find enlightenment, and for years he felt that enlightenment would only be found by living as an ascetic.  He meditated all day and all night, caring nothing for worldly concerns, like food, clothing or bathing.  One day he was on the riverbanks meditating and an old sitar teacher was floating by on a raft with a student.  The teacher was teaching the student how to tune the sitar when he said, “If you string it too loose, it will not play.  If you string it too tight, it will break.”  It was in that moment that the Buddha “woke up” and left his ascetic ways.

Energy is real.  When we refuse to be authentic and vulnerable, to break down and fall apart, it gets trapped in our bodies and we become too tight like the sitar string and eventually we can break.  But the good news is, it only takes a moment to “fall apart” and release that energy, then return to our full true selves.  It’s just a choice. 

I recently made that choice, and I remembered once again who I truly am.  And who am I?  I am myself.  I lead with my heart.  I lead with my authentic truth.  I lead by having the courage to fall apart again and again and again.

In Healing,

Jeffrey Mindell