Spirituality and Parenting:
The Art of Meditating with Dinosaurs

Karen Horneffer-Ginter, Ph.D.

There were two times in my life when I had it all figured out. The first was when I was a senior in high school and decided that I knew everything there was to know. The second time was just before I became pregnant with my first child. I was wise enough, at this juncture, to know how much I didn’t know. What I did believe, however, was that I had mastered the art of structuring a day sanely so that all the items on the “to-do list” would get done, and more importantly, there could be some time for stillness and rest. In these pre-parenting days, I could relate to many of the books and “road maps” on spirituality. They offered useful guidelines that I could follow. Yes, I could wake up early and pray. Yes, I could set aside time to do yoga or to write in a journal. Now my responses to these suggestions feel much more complicated.

There was a day early on in parenting when my children’s naps overlapped and I decided to sit down and close my eyes. I don’t think that I realized before this moment that it was possible to listen to quiet. I didn’t realize how much richness is contained within a moment of silence. Ten minutes later as my eyes opened, I realized that I was sitting amidst dozens of puzzle pieces, building blocks, and leftover bits of breakfast that had been scattered around the carpet. Jokingly, I imagined that the army of plastic dinosaurs surrounding me was somehow protecting my sacred space. In truth, their presence was a reminder of how greatly my current life stage differed from the previous one. How different it feels now to carve out time to connect with my emotions and to care for the needs of my soul. My desire, however, to connect to this stillness inside, to connect to some experience of the Divine, is as great if not greater than it was before I became a mother.

What I have been amazed by in the past five years, is the richness of spiritual lessons contained in parenthood. Somehow stepping into this river has served a function of sanding away a few of my pointy-edges. Even the experience of not getting to do my usual spiritual practices has been an important practice, in and of itself. I have found a deep gift in the humility that has arisen from parenting. There is a softness that has been revealed from the repetitive motion of river water washing over me. I’m more aware of what I don’t know. The things I most care about are closer to the surface. They are visible and accessible, and I can sense an importance and a strength in this vulnerability.

With the passing of time, I’ve also come to see how spiritual practice can be woven into the fabric of day-to-day parenting. One way of doing this is to translate the essence of meditation into daily life. This meditation-in-action, referred to as “mindfulness,” is an attempt to be present in the moment in such a way that one becomes fully engaged and aware of what is happening both inside and outside. When I am cutting carrots, I try to be filled up with the act of cutting carrots by noticing the texture and color and unique sound that accompanies each chop.

Mindfulness can also involve paying attention to one’s breath as a way of coming back into the here and now. This quality of “witness consciousness” is not to be used as a way of detaching from the experience, but rather as a way of moving more deeply into the moment with an appreciation of all of the subtleties of one’s experience. Sometimes it helps me to take an intentional breath and look deeply into my children’s eyes as I am playing with them. It helps me bring myself more fully into relationship with them.

I find that when I am mindful, I am more likely to see the lightness and humor in situations. This is a tremendous gift in parenting. It amazes me how different it feels to be locked into the drudgery of a challenging moment versus being able to see the ridiculousness of the scenario - as if my children are hired conspirators attempting to create a comedy in which the joke is on me.

Of course there are times when the idea of mindfulness or humor does not seem possible. In these moments it is helpful for me to have compassion with my limits. It can also help to move from being mindful, into being “heartful.” This is where the Christian contemplative practices can be so useful, because not only do they ask us to pay attention, but they also invite us to surrender our challenges to the Divine, and to use this as a way to feel more connected spiritually. In a similar vein, we can also choose to view the activities of parenting as offerings of service. I like this perspective. It is the essence of saying that parenting IS the practice - this is it. For people who feel a sense of spiritual devotion, every act of the day can be seen as an opportunity to offer service.
Putting this intention (or any intention) into a few words can serve as a helpful reminder throughout the day. This relates to the Eastern idea of having a “mantra,” or a “sacred word” as it is referred to in Christian contemplative traditions. It helps me to post such words on my bathroom mirror, or to place symbols around the house that connect me with my intention.

Whatever our ways of being with parenting, it is clear that parenthood and children are incredibly rich teachers. There is a saying in yoga that often a person does not fully feel the effects of doing a yoga posture until she is finished holding the pose. It is in taking a few breaths afterwards that the essence of the teaching and the impact of the posture are felt. I think that this is true in parenting. When I step out of my parenting role, I often find that my reflections involve a desire to re-engage with this part of my life more consciously. There is a yearning I have to make the most of my moments with my children and to feel as alive, spiritually, as possible in these relationships that contain such human richness. This passion is sprinkled with some humor and realism as well. I’m reminded of a quote from the Buddha: “Act always as if the future of the Universe depends on what you do, while laughing at yourself for thinking that whatever you do makes any difference. ”

It so aptly applies to the spiritual dimensions of parenting: “Consider parenting to be the ultimate opportunity to grow spiritually, and then laugh at yourself for thinking that the whole activity is about you and your growth.”

These words might be worthy of posting on the mirror.

Karen Horneffer-Ginter, Ph.D. serves as Director of the Holistic Health Care Program at Western Michigan University. This article is adapted from a longer work entitled, “Meditating with Dinosaurs.”