Great Relationships Don’t Just Happen

By Linda and Charlie Bloom

Great relationships don’t just happen; they are created. The exemplary marriages we know of have been earned. These relationships are true partnerships, built on foundations of hard-won trust that accrues over time. The struggles and efforts to reconcile what can often appear to be impossible differences create the groundwork for these marriages. While it is usually compatibility and shared interests that initially bring us together, these alone are not enough to keep a relationship together over time. Ironically it is often the differences, stress, difficulties, crises, and breakdowns that provide the means through which relationships deepen in trust, commitment, and intimacy. If there are no breakdowns, there is not enough friction and agitation to prompt development. Strong relationships require at least occasional irritants to build deep understanding just as the oyster requires the irritant of sand in the creation of a pearl. We don’t however, need to seek stress; life brings it right to us. Invariably, obstacles arise that invite our attention and care.

Challenges vary from family disapproval to health concerns to conflicting viewpoints regarding child rearing, money-management, sexuality, and a myriad of other large and small issues that must be addressed on a daily basis. It is in the act of meeting these challenges with open-heartedness, commitment, receptivity and an appreciation of individual differences and shared resources, that the relationship becomes stronger and more resilient.

Over time, meaningful events link together and accumulate: a gentle touch to comfort us when we are agitated, an intimate conversation, shared laughter, a cup of tea when we are exhausted, a bowl of soup when we are sick, special care to make our sexual experiences extra thrilling, a show of pride or appreciation in our partner’s achievements (even the small ones), acts of forgiveness, and all the precious moments of connection, insight, compassion, and understanding. These interactions are the building blocks of a great love that is built over time. They become the foundation of a structure that can endure for a lifetime and be an inspiring example to others, including our children.     

One of the most important things we can do to keep our relationship strong and healthy is strengthen the bond of affection.  This begins as a thin cord and grows ever thicker and stronger with each act of love, kindness and appreciation. When the stresses of life befall us in the form of differences and disappointments, the cord can become frayed. With conscious choice, commitment, and intentionality, we cannot only repair this cord; we can make it even stronger than it had been previous to the injury. The breakdown becomes a means through which we can give something that nurtures and strengthens our connection that we otherwise would have had little motivation to provide. It is in the broken places that our relationship can become most fully healed and developed. As we come to trust this, we are less likely to respond to difficulties and differences with resentment or a desire to avoid, and more inclined to bring a sense of appreciation for the rich possibilities that otherwise would not be available to us. Learning how to recognize these opportune circumstances and take advantage of them is one of the most valuable skills that we can cultivate in the care and nurturing of our relationship.

Creating a storehouse of goodwill in the relationship is like putting money in the bank. These deposits can take many forms: a conversation, a willingness to put a preference aside, a lingering gaze, an acknowledgement, a genuine apology, or a sincere expression of gratitude. Regardless of the form our communication takes, the common end is always a reaffirmation of our love and commitment. The accumulated benefit is almost always far greater than we imagine it could be. And the deposits that build our account, like the coins that we put aside consistently over the long term don't feel like that much, and the giving of them does not feel like a sacrifice. It feels like it's really "no big thing", but the returns are enormous. As the account grows, it is possible to make withdrawals when they are needed. Life takes on a quality of ease, security and trust. It becomes possible to live life with the peace of mind that we have always longed for.     

If this sounds too good to be true, it isn't. There is however a catch: It does take time; probably more time than you want it to or think that it should. A partnership characterized by deep intimacy, unconditional trust, and co-creativity does not happen overnight. We not only have to cultivate the qualities within ourselves that will strengthen our connection. But we will probably need, in the process to neutralize entrenched defensive patterns that are leftover from previous relationships going back as far as childhood. The more of our own internal house-cleaning we have done, the less time it takes to establish an openhearted connection with our partner. For most of us, however, it's not a matter of days or weeks that we're talking about, but months or years, depending on a variety of factors, the most important of which is the degree to which each partner is willing to use the relationship as a means through which he or she can become a more whole and loving person, do his or her own work, and resist the temptation to blame, fix, or focus on the other person. This of course is easier said than done, but possible, and worth every bit of time and effort that it may require to do it.     

Doing our own work means not focusing on our partner's perceived flaws, deficiencies, shortcomings, or foibles, no matter how obvious they may be, and directing our concern instead to our own feelings, reactions and responses to them and handling them consciously and responsibly. In this way we are able to prevent the accumulation of unacknowledged resentments and grievances and maintain a clean playing field that will support honesty and trust building between us. These practices will neutralize the conditioned patterns that otherwise would tend to diminish the trust-level of the relationship. Staying current with regards to our unmet needs, unexpressed feelings and unfulfilled desires and frustrations, without holding our partner responsible for them is as important a practice as giving love and appreciation to each other.     

Loving relationships can’t be rushed. It requires time and effort to make a relationship a beautiful creation. And it takes continued work to keep that relationship in good condition. It may take years to develop a style of being together that works well for both people. The best relationships are the ones that are ever growing, being constantly, newly created.     

A wise sage of our time, Woody Allen, once said, “A relationship is like a shark, if it doesn’t keep moving, it dies.” Because we tend to underestimate the complexity of human relations, we may expect deep fulfillment to come quickly and easily. This belief sets up the inevitability of great disappointment, along with the likelihood of feeling either resentment (toward our partner) or inadequacy (toward our selves). In a world that promotes the expectation of immediate gratification, it’s easy to forget that most of us enter marriage not yet having fully mastered the art of being a loving and authentic human being. The many facets of marriage furnish us with the experience necessary to finish the job. This is the work of a lifetime. When both partners are willing to share fully in this process, concern about time fades into the background, and we become entranced by the joy of the process.

Based on the book 101 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Got Married. Copyright © 2004 by Charlie and Linda Bloom. Printed with permission of New World Library, Novato, CA. www.newworldlibrary.com or 800/972-6657 ext. 52.

Charlie and Linda Bloom are both psychotherapists with more than fifty-five years of combined experience in relationship counseling. Both have taught at various psychotherapy training facilities, including the Esalen Institute, Omega Institute, The California Institute for Integral Studies, The Institute for Transpersonal Psychology, JFK University, and University of California-Berkeley. In 1987 they founded the Empowerment Network, an organization offering seminars to individuals and couples on improving relationships. They currently offer fifty different workshops on various relationship issues and their work has improved the lives of thousands of people around the world. In spite of their professional success, Charlie and Linda both agree that their greatest achievement has been a fulfilling marriage of thirty-one years. The Blooms live in Northern California and their website is www.bloomwork.com.