Singing & Dancing with Intimacy

By Vicki Sladek

One of my most joyous times as a young girl was singing and dancing “The Hokey Pokey” with my friends on roller skates. About a month ago I saw a bumper sticker that read, “What if The Hokey Pokey is what it’s all about?” Singing and dancing to this song is much like the process of intimacy. Balancing while dancing on roller skates is a great metaphor for the changes at mid-life. At times it feels like we are putting our whole selves in and taking our whole selves out all too frequently, wearing many hats – and who has time for self-growth?

Yet, to grow and change we must schedule time into our lives for receiving care, instead of being stuck in a woman’s common role of caregiving. We are each responsible for our own self-reflection. Through receiving and honestly confronting something in one’s self, we may feel like a loss is happening. However, Harriet Lerner in her book Dance of Intimacy writes about it actually being a gain because the temporary loss of self signals a change occurring. I like to say, “It’s short-term pain in exchange for long-term gain.” Protecting ourselves is our own responsibility by choosing people to work with whom we can trust and who have our best interests at heart.

Lerner advocates proceeding slowly with personal change for two reasons: “Thinking small provides us with the opportunity to observe and check out the impact of each new behavior on a relationship system, and to sit with the benefits and cost of change. It also militates against our natural tendency to move in with a big bang and then drop out entirely when initial responses are not to our liking.” Women readers: does this sound all too familiar? If so, you are not alone.

Balancing closeness and distance in relationships is especially prevalent at mid-life. Foremost, is the relationship with self. Relations with others are also necessary and we women need to schedule time to receive what is needed from massage therapists, yoga instructors, meditation teachers and whomever is best suited for helping and individual gain self-knowledge.

In The Magic of Forgiveness, author Tia Dayton asserts, “All self-help books should probably come with a warning that reads something like: Caution! This book must be accompanied by a network of sustaining relationships. Do not attempt to get better in isolation! As spirit-filled women, we know that God, family, friends and natural health workers are our main teachers and supporters in life. However, reaching out and asking for help is very difficult for most and seems unimportant until we arrive at the point in the song of “Shake it all about.”

Often our bodies hold the cellular memory of a past event. Fortunately, a negative event can be remembered, reexperienced and the self or event is released to God. This can happen in massage, guided meditation, psychotherapy, journaling, etc. There are so many different and effective methods. Ms. Dayton states, “Until we honestly confront and work through our deeper truths, our bodies will hold us responsible… we’ll meet the situations in our current life, bracing ourselves for fight/flight/freeze (or tend–and–befriend) apparatus in full gear, assuming, at some unconscious level that a crisis is at hand.”

At mid-life, women’s and men’s brains are being rewired to remember and process painful experiences and emotions from the past. Childhood events are especially relevant at this time and inner child work can be especially freeing from reexperiencing past negativity in our minds and/or within our current relationships. The pituitary gland, sometimes referred to as the ‘God spot’ also becomes stronger at mid-life according to Ms. Dayton. She writes, “Significantly, this gland is the one stimulated by meditation and yoga, producing calmness and self-reflection.”

For brave souls who choose to do the deep inner work, the rewards are substantial. As emotions accompanying events are expressed and let go by the self, a woman experiences greater freedom, energy and joy. Healing also can occur within the body where the specific memory was held. For example, craniosacral therapy techniques can gently release the cellular memory and the bodily pain may lessen or disappear entirely.

The joy part is particularly fun because a woman may feel like dancing with herself. “You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around. That’s what it’s all about.” Indeed, dancing with intimacy also gives we as women “a reservoir of calm and caring… from which she can draw sustenance throughout all her days, gathering the tools and garnering the wisdom she will need at every stage of the process.” (Ms. Dayton)

I encourage you, reader, to continue the dance with intimacy. There is no substitute for learning about one’s self and making the personal changes necessary for holistic development of the mind, body, spirit and emotions. Doing the difficult work of reexperiencing negative past events, releasing them from yourself and bringing more positivity and joy into your life is well worth the effort. It is trading short-term pain for long-term gain. Trust Spirit within to guide you to the people who are most beneficial for you. Receive and be refilled with the energy that God wants you to have!

Vicki Sladek gives phone consultations for guided meditation and is a massage therapist specializing in craniosacral therapy. Her company, located in Mt. Pleasant, MI is called Soul Energy 2. Receive your first phone consultation free. To schedule an appointment, e-mail Vicki at the following address: soulenergy2@juno.com